Faced with President Donald Trump’s mass deportations, progressive activists have concocted a plan to protect migrants: Skin-bleaching cream.

It’s called Operation Baby Powder, and it’s got the left-wing intelligentsia talking.

“We set up pop-up skin whitening clinics across the country offering free bleaching for migrants who fear deportation,” said Sky Foust (she/hers), an immigrant rights advocate. “If we can get these people to look white, Trump won’t deport them.”

“The whiter the better,” she declared.

Volunteers apply skin-bleaching cream to illegal immigrants and asylum seekers who fear deportation. “We’re trying to simulate a visual profile that ICE finds non-threatening,” explained one activist. “Our model profile is basically Mitt Romney on vacation.”

Through strategic whiteface, the activists hope to fool ICE into believing their clients are citizens. “With whiter skin, ICE agents are more likely to mistake these people for unpaid interns or Tesla employees,” said Layla Franks (he/hers), who volunteers at a southern California clinic.

“We had one guy who got so pale he looked like a character from ‘True Blood,’” Franks recalled. “We figured ICE would assume he was just a Mormon doing outreach and let him go.”

To determine whether a migrant needs skin bleaching, the activists created the “Safe Tone Index,” a color-coded chart featuring different shades. “Anyone darker than a Starbucks Chai latte is at risk,” the chart’s creator explained.

It’s uncertain whether the program has been effective. But activists remain hopeful. “Look, it hasn’t technically worked yet as far as I know,” said Thelma DeWitt (they/them), “but we feel like it really could, you know? Like, this feels like the kind of thing that should work in America.”

Some migrants seemed hesitant about the idea. “First, they offered me a place to sleep. Then they offered me a chemical peel. Maybe I should’ve taken my chances with Border Patrol,” Lalo Ramirez said.

Emilio Gonzalez, an asylum seeker from Guatemala, recounted his experience. “They found me at Home Depot, and asked if I wanted to avoid deportation,” he explained. “I figured ‘what the hell? I have nothing to lose.’ They rushed me into a room, stripped me naked, and slathered me with industrial-grade skin bleaching cream.”

Volunteers understand the hesitancy. “I can see why some migrants might not be so sure about this idea. But we really think it’ll work,” said Michael Kahler (it/its). “Our working theory is that if a migrant appears white enough to complain about HOA violations, ICE won’t even make eye contact.”

Nevertheless, the plan hasn’t worked as well as intended. “Esteban was totally bleached, wearing a ‘Don’t Tread on Me’ tank top, and sipping a pumpkin spice latte. He almost made it to the courthouse entrance before ICE agents tackled him,” said Foust. “So, we’re really close to perfecting this.”

One activist heard about a harrowing encounter that occurred when ICE raided a home containing migrants who recently had their skin lightened. “It was amazing. It was as if these officers had no idea what to do,” she said.

But they couldn’t verify that this actually happened, as the person who told them was high on shrooms at the time.

Since Operation Baby Powder has been active for about three months, the organization’s leadership seeks to expand its mission beyond migrants.

“Immigration is just one example of white supremacy,” Foust said. “If we want true equity, everyone should be treated the same, which means it’s time to democratize whiteness.”

The group is testing a program targeting American citizens who happen to be ethnic minorities. “We will bleach every single dark-skinned person in the country. When everybody is white, nobody is white,” said Andrew Williamson (she/its). “Yes, we will have to kidnap people and bleach their skin against their will, but this is the price I’m willing to pay for equity. Nobody said fighting racism would be easy, right?”

I never thought becoming a brain surgeon could be so easy. But it was, thanks to DEI.

I had no surgery experience – I failed biology and couldn’t dissect a frog without mangling it into a sad, green blob. But I am Black, and that’s all that matters, according to conservative influencers.

After listening to right-wing podcasters talk about how Black people can easily rise to the top despite being unqualified, I figured I’d give it a shot.

I marched into my nearest hospital and informed the clerk I was ready to become a surgeon and I wouldn’t take “no” for an answer.

She politely informed me that this is not how it works. I asked whether she noticed the color of my skin or if she just thought I had a nice tan.

That worked.

She immediately called the chief surgeon, and I found myself in a room with Dr. Doris Eleanor Irvine, who was very glad to see me.

“We’ve had a shortage of brain surgeons because we stopped hiring white people,” she explained. “But you look like you’re a perfect fit for this job!”

I informed her I had never been to medical school and didn’t plan to – ever.

“Oh, that’s okay,” she said. “Medical school is a product of white supremacy used to oppress the Blacks.”

Just like that, I had a job. Apparently, Tucker Carlson was right.

Dr. Irvine told me not to bother submitting a resume. Instead, gave HR a paper on which I wrote, “Experience: 44 years as an oppressed Black man in America.”

“You don’t have any experience,” the HR representative said. Irvine was livid. “How DARE you question this Black man’s qualifications, you racist whore,” she screamed. The representative was promptly fired and canceled on social media.

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I participated in several DEI-themed presentations, such as “How to Treat Terminal Whiteness,” “Healing Through Antiracism,” and others.

I learned that “anatomy is only a social construct” and that “whiteness is the deadliest disease.”

I asked if I should pick up a copy of “Gray’s Anatomy” to study at home. “That book is problematic,” my trainer snapped. “It’s named after a white guy. You should know better as a Black man.”

I was puzzled at how she capitalized “Black” while making “white” lowercase when she spoke out loud. But, properly chastened, I continued working on the coloring book she gave me.

Two hours later, I learned I was now a full-fledged brain surgeon. I was certified after I passed a BuzzFeed quiz on which Beyoncé song matches my surgical style.

Dr. Irvine assured me that one “doesn’t need years of education or pale skin to perform brain surgery.”

As I had already learned, “experience” is a white supremacist construct aimed at keeping marginalized people down.

I felt like Harriet Tubman must have felt when she led hundreds of slaves to freedom. As the podcasters said, DEI allowed me to get ahead without even knowing what a medulla oblongata is.

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My first patient was an elderly person named Lucy who had a brain tumor. The hospital agreed to treat this patient because they identified as a non-binary shapeshifting rabbit whose pronouns are cotton/tail.

Lucy seemed unfazed at my apparent cluelessness. “I trust you implicitly, Dr. Charles,” they said. “The nurses here tell me your lived experience makes you more than qualified.”

With a newfound confidence, I proceeded to the operating room with my fingers crossed.”

The anesthesiologist, an undocumented Hispanic transgender woman from Ethiopia, put Lucy to sleep by playing back-to-back Robin DiAngelo lectures on YouTube.

I don’t remember much from the surgery, but I do know there was blood. Lots of blood. I was supposed to be removing a tumor, but I couldn’t resist having a little fun by pretending I was Dexter Morgan.

But nobody questioned me.

Dr. Irvine said oppressed people should be allowed to express themselves without the white supremacist power structure forcing their toxic views on “experience” and “merit” on us – just as Ben Shapiro, who is married to a doctor, said they would.

Unfortunately, Lucy didn’t make it.

Dr. Irvine informed me Lucy died from “systemic complications,” which is what happens when oppressed bodies live too long under the white supremacist power structure. Besides, she was probably a racist anyway.

My assistant, a young dolphin rights activist, assured me that “the important thing is that I tried” and “trying is more important than doing.”

That made me feel better. I keep Lucy’s brain in a mason jar on my shelf as a reminder of what I can accomplish because of DEI.

I never in a million years dreamed I’d be a world-class surgeon. I was skeptical about what right-wing influencers told me about DEI. But apparently, they were right. As a Black man, there is nothing I can’t do. I plan to start my pilot’s training next week.

For years, Adam, Greg, and Frank had believed they’d found a new leader in former President Donald J. Trump. They’d read the headlines, watched the endless news segments, and relished every warning from the media: “Trump’s a fascist,” they’d say. “He’s a dictator,” others would whisper in fear.

To the trio, these were compliments. They’d even started calling themselves the “Three Horsemen of the American Reich” as a nod to what they assumed was a coming era of fascist rule. But their dreams came crashing down last Saturday, inside the packed seats of Madison Square Garden, where they learned—painfully—that Trump’s so-called fascist rally was not at all what they’d expected.

The trio had traveled from their small town in upstate New York, stifling their excitement as they boarded a train to the city. Greg was the first to share his doubts, sitting in his seat and staring out the window. “What if… what if it’s not exactly as we imagined?” he asked. Adam and Frank scoffed. “Not what they imagined?” They’d seen the news—the mainstream media had practically promised them that Trump was the second coming of “Adolf freaking Hitler.”

But by the time they took their seats in the Garden, doubts started creeping in. Adam noticed Israeli flags proudly waving from the stands. “Uh, what’s with all the blue and white flags?” he muttered. Frank’s eyes widened as he caught sight of a man in a yarmulke, laughing and shaking hands with others around him.

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“I thought this was supposed to be a rally for us,” Adams whispered, his eyes darting around. The final blow came when a group of Latinos in red hats paraded down the aisle, chanting “Four more years!” Otto’s hands shook as he clutched the armrest. “They told me he’d be our guy!” he stammered.

They weren’t the only Nazis to be disappointed by the rally. Indeed, a group of Nazis have filed a lawsuit against news outlets like the New York Times, Washington Post, and several others. They are suing these organizations for false advertisement and intentional infliction of emotional distress.

“I was promised Nazism,” said one disgruntled plaintiff, who declined to give his name but goes by “Ubermensch87” on X. “There I was, expecting to be shoulder-to-shoulder with like-minded white nationalists, and instead, I had three Black men, two Latinos, and a dude in a yarmulke next to me. I mean, what kind of Nazi rally is this?” he asked, visibly distraught. “When I go to a Nazi rally, I want to see some actual Nazis, not these other people. I feel so cheated.”

And that’s how, after three hours of emotional distress and a return train ride filled with bitter silence, the Three Horsemen found themselves inside a law office, drafting a lawsuit for what they described as “false advertising” and “severe psychological damage.” Frank spoke for all of them, saying, “They made us think Trump was one of us. They were supposed to help us feel safe, surrounded by like-minded people who hate the same things we do. But instead, I had to sit next to… I don’t know… regular Americans!”

According to the complaint, these attendees had been “lured” to the Trump rally by years of mainstream media coverage “explicitly and repeatedly labeling the former president as a fascist, authoritarian, and probable dictator,” and thus, they reasonably expected some good old-fashioned hate speech.

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“It’s false advertising, plain and simple,” said another plaintiff with a tear rolling down his cheek. “They’ve been telling us for years that Trump is Hitler reincarnate.”

The lawsuit states that the plaintiffs have endured “significant psychological distress” as a result of their experience, claiming that their worldview has been “shattered” after coming face-to-face with the reality that the Trump movement does not align with Nazism. “I spent years watching media that said Trump was going to make my dreams come true,” wailed one plaintiff. “Now, it turns out he doesn’t even hate the people I hate. How am I supposed to process that?”

Several media outlets named in the lawsuit have issued statements denying any wrongdoing, though none have directly addressed the apparent discrepancy between their coverage and the rally’s actual content. The Washington Post, for example, released a brief statement: “It has always been our mission to present news with integrity and accuracy, and we apologize for any misunderstandings. We will, however, continue to call for the president to be held accountable.”

The plaintiffs, however, are not satisfied with the responses and vow to press forward with their lawsuit. They are demanding damages for what they describe as a “crushing blow to their identity” and emotional distress. “When you’ve been told over and over that a guy is Hitler 2.0, it kind of gets your hopes up,” one man muttered. “I think we’re owed something here. At the very least, an apology from the media for wasting our time.”

Vice President Kamala Harris, who is favored to become the Democrats’ presidential nominee, has selected civil rights attorney Benjamin Crump as her running mate in a highly anticipated announcement.

Sources close to the Harris campaign told The Smattering that Harris is hoping to balance out her record as a prosecutor who locked black Americans up for possessing marijuana. “Yeah, it’s a bad look, for sure. But who better to partner with Kamala than someone who actually fights for black people wronged by the system?” said campaign staffer Anthony Temple.

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"Sure, I’ve locked up a few blacks for marijuana in my time, but now I've got Benjamin Crump on my team,” Harris said while announcing her decision at a press conference. "I figured, what better way to show that I care about black and brown communities than to pick a black guy who's practically made a career out of suing the system I used to be a part of?"

She added: "This way, when the Republicans try to attack me for locking up too many black men, I can just point to my running mate and be like, 'Yeah, well, he's been fighting for those same guys his whole career, so suck on that!'"

Harris’ decision has received mixed reactions from prominent figures on the left and right.

“I was already voting for her because she’s black and I’m black. I owe her that. But this move actually makes me excited to pull the lever for Harris,” said MSNBC’s Joy Reid.

Actor Mark Ruffalo echoed Reid’s sentiments. “I was already going to vote for her because she’s black and I don’t want to be racist. But now that Crump is running with her, it’s like double the antiracism! Wait ‘till I tell my friends at the country club about this!” he yelped.

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, a fan of grand symbolic gestures, was equally enthusiastic. “This is exactly the kind of move we need to show that we are serious about criminal justice reform,” she said. “Sure, Kamala locked up black men for marijuana, but now she’s picked a guy who defends them. It’s all about balance.”

On the other side of the aisle, Republicans, predictably, were quick to pounce. Conservative media personality Tucker Carlson sneered, “Kamala Harris choosing Benjamin Crump is just more of the same DEI nonsense. They’re pandering to the woke mob with a lawyer who makes his living off critical race theory.”

When asked to define “DEI” and “critical race theory,” Carlson shouted and pointed, “Look over there!” and sprinted to his car while our backs were turned.

Conservative YouTuber Brandon Tatum told The Smattering he was surpisingly optimistic about Harris’ nomination. “I mean, she’s shown great promise when it comes to locking up black folks even though I think her other policies are communist,” she said. “But picking Crump shows she isn’t serious about law and order or backing the blue.”

“I mean, this is supposed to be the White House. Not the Urban League,” he added.

Some Republicans were disappointed by the selection because it hampers their backup plan if Harris wins the election in November. “We were planning to immediately impeach her,” said Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene. “Now we can’t because we definitely don’t want President Crump.”

“Yeah, Harris choosing Crump really throws a monkey wrench into their plans,” said Rep. Eric Swalwell. “Wait a minute, I didn’t mean ‘monkey’ in a racist way. Can we take that part out?”

Butler, PA - In a shocking turn of events, former President Donald Trump has been condemned by CNN and other media outlets for allegedly inciting violence against himself during a campaign rally in Pennsylvania this weekend.

Moments after Trump took the stage in front of a cheering crowd, the sound of gunfire erupted, sending the former president and his supporters into a panic. Trump was quickly ushered off stage by Secret Service with an apparent wound to his ear.

In the aftermath, CNN's pundits were quick to point fingers, suggesting that Trump's fiery rhetoric and continued false claims about the 2020 election being "stolen" from him had somehow provoked the attack.

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"This is exactly the kind of political violence we've been warning about," said CNN anchor Jake Tapper. "Trump's choice to stand on an elevated stage made him an easy target. This is clearly his fault.”

Tapper added: “He should be ashamed of himself."

Anchor Kaitlan Collins also slammed the president. “It was already bad enough that he made those people riot at the Capitol building,” she said. “Now he is actively encouraging people to shoot him in response to his incendiary rhetoric.”

Other CNN analysts echoed similar sentiments, with one going so far as to claim that Trump had "basically asked to be shot" due to his polarizing rhetoric.

Host Brianna Keilar suggested that how the former president spoke could have sparked the shooting. “The volume of Trump's voice clearly agitated the shooter. He should lower his tone in the future,” she said.

When reached for comment, the Secret Service confirmed that the shooter, who was neutralized at the scene, appeared to have deliberately targeted the former president. However, they refrained from speculating on the shooter's motives or any potential connection to Trump's rhetoric.

MSNBC’s Joy Reid also chimed in. “This president radicalized this impressionable young man with his racist and hateful rhetoric,” she said during a recent broadcast. “If he doesn’t want people shooting at him, maybe he shouldn’t be such a jerk.”

As the investigation into the shooting continues, CNN has vowed to hold Trump accountable for any role he may have played in provoking the attack against himself.

After inviting Republican and Democratic politicians to the national convention, the Libertarian Party has declared that another guest is joining the festivities: North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un.

Last week, it was revealed that former President Donald Trump and Independent presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. would be taking the main stage at the Libertarian Party’s National Convention later this month. On Thursday, the party announced the former Republican presidential candidate Vivek Ramaswamy would also be making an appearance in a debate with the eventual Libertarian vice presidential nominee.

Now, it appears the stage will also be open to murderous communist dictators.

The leadership of the Libertarian Party is confident that this eclectic mix of speakers will finally put them on the map. "For too long, we've been the party nobody remembers. With Trump and RFK Jr. and Kim Jong Un, we might just get some camera time," said Rand Ellison, a libertarian podcaster.

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Other Libertarian Party members have celebrated the move, arguing that it will be a prime opportunity to get the attention of the press, which has long ignored the party.

"Inviting Kim Jong Un is a stroke of genius," claimed party strategist, Sam Gardner. "Nothing says 'liberty' like showcasing how much we hate dictators by giving one a platform. It's like showing how much you despise fast food by ordering everything off the menu — absolutely brilliant!”

“When I found out the party was having Trump and RFK headline the event, I was ecstatic,” said Adam Handley, a podcaster and member of the Libertarian Party’s Republican Caucus. “What better way to carve out our niche as opposing authoritarianism than to give authoritarians the stage, right? But with Kim Jong Un in the mix, that Overton Window is gonna lurch in liberty’s direction!”

Some party members were initially skeptical about the decision to include such polarizing figures. "I was worried people would think we were desperate," admitted delegate Ronny Rasmussen, who also hosts a podcast. "But then I realized, if inviting a dictator can't get us noticed, what will?"

Other members have embraced the bold move wholeheartedly. "We’re all about free speech," said Ann Taggart, a libertarian online influencer with a podcast. "If that means giving a microphone to a guy who would ban everything from haircuts to happiness, so be it. Sometimes, pushing for free speech means putting a morbidly obese dictator on a liberty platform."

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Some have complained about the move, pointing out that the media will focus only on Trump, RFK Jr., and Kim while only giving a brief mention to the Libertarian Party. They point out that the party won’t get nearly the level of attention supporters claim and that it will only be an opportunity for Trump and Kennedy to win votes from those who are not die hard libertarians.

However, those favoring the move remain optimistic, especially with Kim in the mix. “That’s the kind of wild card that makes CNN salivate,” said Gardner, who co-hosts a podcast. “Sure, he’s massacred tons of people, but think of what CNN’s audience will say when they hear us saying mean things about him and calling him a statist!”

"We believe in free markets and free minds," said Karl Marksman, a staunch libertarian and a podcaster. "If Kim can try selling us on the idea of forced labor camps, we can surely sell him on the beauty of voluntary association. It’s a win-win!"

"Imagine the debates! Imagine the podcast episodes!" exclaimed Handley. "Trump will talk about walls, RFK Jr. will rant about Big Pharma, and Kim can chime in on the finer aspects of torture and silencing dissent. It's the ultimate clash of the titans, and we’re the undercard!"

Some in the party see this as a learning opportunity. "Maybe Kim will pick up a thing or two about liberty," said Rasmussen. "He might even go back to North Korea with a newfound appreciation for the non-aggression principle.”

He added: “Also, think about the hundreds of clicks we will get from this!”

As the convention approaches, the excitement is palpable. "We’re making history," said Taggart. "No one will forget the convention where the Libertarian Party finally got noticed, even if it was for inviting a dictator to talk about freedom."

In an inspiring turn of events, one Black man’s mission to keep People of Whiteness (POWs) safe from their penchant for adrenaline-packed, thrill-seeking hobbies has taken social media by storm.

Jefferson Charleston, a prominent libertarian political commentator, is considering giving up his career to devote himself full time to “Operation Safety Net,” a burgeoning nonprofit dedicated to educating People of Whiteness about the perils of engaging in dangerous activities like petting grizzly bears and base jumping.

The organization promises to be the savinng grace that thrill-seeking POWs didn’t know they needed.

“I was simply mortified by all the video footage on social media showing People of Whiteness putting themselves in danger by wrestling with alligators and trying to befriend gigantic bears,” Charleston told The Smattering. “I mean, didn’t anyone teach them to stay away from these creatures?’

It all started one sunny afternoon in suburban Austin, Texas when Charleston witnessed his neighbor, Aiden, a 35-year-old accountant, gearing up to cuddle with a clearly agitated mountain lion while on a hike. After saving Bob from a potentially fatal encounter, Charleston had a lightbulb moment: “Maybe I should save all the Aidens out there, frolicking near the jaws of danger.”

Operation Safety Net is committed to educating America’s People of Whiteness population on the perils of unnecessary hobbies. From rock climbing without safety equipment, to dancing underwater with great white sharks, to trying to take selfies with Grizzly bears, the organization seeks to instill a caution where none seems to exist.

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Chip Anderson, a Person of Whiteness who claims his life was saved after meeting Charleston, explained how he simply couldn’t resist pursuing perilous endeavors like skydiving and wrestling alligators with his bare hands.

“Man, I was completely lost before I met Jefferson. There wasn’t a vicious Grizzly bear that I didn’t want to cuddle up with,” he said. “And every time I threw myself off a bridge into the sea, I would think: ‘This must be what meth feels like.’”

Fortunately, Charleston managed to intervene, explaining to Anderson the error of his ways. “I thought I was invincible. Turns out, I wasn’t. Jefferson showed me that scene in 'The Revenant’ when Leo DiCaprio gets mauled by a bear, and then it started to sink in,” Anderson recalled.

Operation Safety Net seeks to reach out to vulnerable People of Whiteness through a series of programs intended to educate them on the dangers of the activities they seem to enjoy.

Each week, Charleston puts on “Think Before You Leap” workshops in which he presents hard facts to show just how many things can go horribly wrong when leaping from planes, cliffs, or into animal enclosures.

They feature testimonials from ex-thrill seekers like Dave, who once tried to surf during a hurricane. “I don’t know what came over me, man. It’s like I just HAD to get on my surfboard and ride that thing out. I wouldn’t be here today if Jefferson hadn’t explained to me why this was a bad idea,” he recounts in a video clip.

The newly-launched No Petting Zoo Initiative has also produced some positive preliminary results. The program involves a traveling road show featuring some of the most dangerous animals known to man.

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The organization puts bears, lions, badgers, and even a shark tank on full display while training People of Whiteness not to touch, play with, or even speak to them. “Getting me to resist the temptation to interact with these beasts was a challenge,” said Thad Newton, a recovering bear cuddler. “I was convinced all bears were like Winnie the Pooh. But Jefferson showed me they are not.”

The local community has had mixed reactions. Some, like Jane from Idaho, say, “It’s about time someone stopped Chad from cliff diving at our family reunions!” Others, like Chad, claim, “What’s life without a little risk?”

Nevertheless, Charleston soldiers on in his quest to save People of Whiteness from their prediliction for risky behavior.

“If I can save even one thrill-seeker from becoming a headline in a cautionary tale, then I have done my job,” he explained. With wit and a net big enough to catch a falling person (literally and figuratively), “Operation Safety Net” might just become the next big thing in preventive care—at least for those who think wrestling sharks is a fun weekend activity.

Washington, D.C. — In what could only be described as a valiant stand for civil liberties — or at least the civil liberties of individuals who spend their weekends trying to slaughter innocent Israeli men, women, and children, Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) has voiced her furious opposition against the passage of legislation reauthorizing the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA).

Tlaib’s anger centers on the fact that FISA allows federal agencies to spy on members of Hamas terrorists without a warrant. During a recent interview on MSNBC, the lawmaker argued that “Even those who launch rockets at Jewish schoolchildren deserve the blanket of privacy afforded by the Constitution.”

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The lawmaker’s stance is that privacy is not only a natural right, but a universal need, just like oxygen, water, and unrestricted access to Qassam rockets and grenade launchers.

"Why should we only extend privacy to everyday Americans and not those who opt instead for a more volatile approach to expression? Isn't surveillance without due process akin to reading someone’s diary without their permission? Even if that diary occasionally includes plots to behead Israeli women while their families watch helplessly?"

During a recent session in Congress, Tlaib argued that “those who engage in alternative forms of activism deserve to have their privacy protected” and asked: “Just because someone is a member of a freedom fighter group like Hamas doesn’t mean we have the right to listen in on their phone calls.”

To counteract the new FISA legislation, which was recently passed by the Senate, Tlaib introduced a bill titled the “Jihadist Privacy Protection Act,” that would exempt members of terrorist groups like Hamas, al-Qaeda, ISIS, and others from warrantless surveillance.

Under Tlaib’s proposed 'Jihadist Privacy Protection Act', privacy is extended to include not just phone calls and emails, but also discreet cave meetings and encrypted carrier pigeon messages.

"Not all Hamas members are terrorists," Tlaib told reporters in a recent press conference while wearing a “Hugs 4 Hamas” T-shirt. “Many of them are just misunderstood rocket enthusiasts."

Tlaib’s proposal has met with skepticism from Republicans and Democrats. But members of The Squad have already lent their support to the cause. Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) argued: “Look, I get that Hamas members’ ultimate goal is to attack Israel until the blood of the Jews flows in the streets, but do we really need to be privy to all their behind the scenes plans?”

She added: “Why can’t we just mind our own business?”

Surprisingly, Tlaib’s proposed bill has gotten support from some on the right. "The founding fathers probably wanted the Constitution to protect everyone’s rights, not just Americans,” said media personality Candace Owens. “Everyone deserves privacy, even if they happen to enjoy blowing up Jewish civilians every now and then.”

Some have expressed concerns that Hamas, along with other terrorist groups, might decide to carry out acts of violence against Jewish Americans on United States soil, arguing that spying on these groups is necessary to protect citizens.

Tlaib dismissed such concerns, asserting that America must uphold the Constitution “Even if it means a few Jews and Americans get blown to smithereens.”

“At least we know these people’s sacrifices were necessary to ensure that members of Hamas have their rights protected,” she said at the press conference.

Conservative influencers are calling for replacing Martin Luther King Jr. Day with “Bull Connor Remembrance Day.” This development comes just after Turning Point USA fouder Charlie Kirk and other right-wing personalities began launching a smear campaign against the civil rights leader days before the celebration of his birthday.

The purpose of the proposed holiday is to celebrate Theophilus “Bull” Connor, the Commissioner of Public Safety in Birmingham, Alabama, who gained notoriety through the brutal tactics he employed against those protesting for equality for black Americans, including the use of fire hoses and attack dogs.

Those advocating in favor of replacing MLK day with Bull Connor Remembrance Day argue that King expressed support for some socialist ideas, which completely overshadows his work fighting for equality in America.

“Yeah MLK may have done some good here and there, but he was not a dyed-in-the-wool conservative, which means he was an evil commie,” said Bruce Hamilton, a Texas-based podcaster. “I think Bull Connor, who was visionary in crowd management.”

He added: “Yes his methods were, in a word, unorthodox, but they were an incredible example of ‘alternative’ law enforcement!”

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Connor was known for having police officers knock down civil rights protesters using fire hoses and deploying German Shepherds to viciously attack those marching in Birmingham. Yet, according to conservative commentator Candace Owens, Connor was simply a “misunderstood hero of law enforcement.”

“He just wanted to protect law and order in Alabama,” she told The Smattering. “If he were around today, he would have put a quick end to those Black Lives Matter protests.”

Proponents of the new holiday have been brainstorming ideas for how to celebrate it. Some have suggested holding a “Bull Connor Water Festival” complete with fire hose-themed water games. Others wish to see a “Canine Exhibition” in which German Shepherds attack realistic dummies made to look like black American protesters to demonstrate a time when “police were able to do their jobs,” according to Kirk.

The festivities would also include replica fire hoses ad Connor bobbleheads for children.

South Carolina Lt. Gov. Mark Robinson, a vocal critic of MLK, believes his state should erect a statue honoring Connor for his “staunch commitment to law and order.”

"In an era of defund the police and a brazen disrespect for law enforcement, we need to remember the heroes who weren't afraid to enforce the law. Bull Connor Remembrance Day would remind us of when America was truly safe."

Conservative influencer Jack Posobiec also loved the idea. “As a fan of Alternative American History, I can say that Connor’s methods were ahead of their time,” he said. “He really knew how to make a ‘splash’ in the civil rights movemet, quite literally.”

The influencers are currently working on a plan to sell the idea to the America public, hoping they can get enough lawmakers on board to make the idea a reality.

“We think replacing MLK day with Bull Connor Remembrance Day will go a long way toward combating the rise of DEI in our institutions,” Kirk said. “I think this is a crucial step toward making America great again.”

In a rather bizarre twist to the ongoing feud between conservative media personalities Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro, Owens has announced that she has converted to the Black Hebrew Israelite faith, and has boldly proclaimed that she is a “real Jew.”

This dramatic shift comes amid a heated exchange between the two commentators following a dispute over the war between Israel and Hamas.

Owens has come under fire for displaying a remarkable lack of knowledge about the conflict and for making controversial remarks about the matter.

During a press conference, Owens explained her decision:

“People are so quick to judge. My spiritual journey is my own, and if embracing my true identity as a Black Hebrew Israelite and a true Jewish woman is what it takes to show the world who I really am, then so be it.”

She added: “Suck on that, Ben Shapiro!”

Shortly after declaring that “Christ is King” in what has been seen as a thinly-veiled subtweet at Shapiro, Owens is now a practicing Black Hebrew Israelite and has begun making some life changes, immersing herself in the religion’s traditions.

“The hardest part about this is giving up pork. I’ve stopped eating bacon and it has been so traumatic for me,” she said in a recent livestream.

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Owens has been quick to leverage her new faith to support her stance on the war in Israel.

“As a true descendant of the biblical Israelites, I have the right to call out the false Jews in Israel for committing mass genocide against the Palestinians,” Owens said. “It can’t be antisemitism if they aren’t actually Jewish, right?”

Now that she has a new faith, Owens indicated that she is not concerned about the political backlash, especially from people like Shapiro. “I’ve learned that the end times will bring about the downfall of those who oppress us — especially impostors pretending to be Jews,” she told The Smattering. “Ben’s gonna get his in due time.”

Other popular conservative personalities chimed in on the development. Fox News’ Laura Ingraham expressed doubts about Owens’ conversion. “This is what happens when political debate becomes a reality show. Next, we’ll have Ben Shapiro joining Scientology to one-up her,” she said.

Sources familiar with the political commentator stated that when Owens isn’t studying scriptures or calling for unity among African Americans, she has been spending her time on a street corner in New York City screaming at passersby, telling them they were going to hell and that they should stop listening to Ben Shapiro and instead tune in to “the real Jews.”

Jerusalem, Israel — As the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) deepen their incursion into the Gaza Strip amid the escalating war against Hamas, a sudden strategy to change public opinion on the conflict has emerged. In a shocking, yet incredibly fashionable move, Israel has unveiled a new rainbow-colored uniform for its soldiers.

The strategy, called the “Israeli PRIDE Offensive,” is intended to curry favor with American progressives, who have been fiercely critical of the Jewish state.

It's a kaleidoscope of combat couture, designed with one purpose: to dazzle progressives into supporting the war.

"We wish to show the world that even while defending our nation, we can still promote LGBTQ acceptance and look absolutely fabulous while doing it," announced Israeli General Yosef Mizrachi. "With these new uniforms, we’re not just fighting a war against Hamas; we’re walking the runway into the hearts of those who would typically call us vicious oppressors.”

As soldiers stormed the Gaza Strip, their uniforms shimmered with the colors of the LGBTQ flag, creating formidable, yet inclusive battlefield imagery.

“Who could possibly condemn soldiers adorned in the international symbol of love and acceptance?” mused Defense Minister Yoav Gallant. “Every stitch, every hue, is a step towards promoting equity for all, and of course, impeccable style.”

However, critics argue that this new fashion-forward approach is just a colorful distraction from the horrors of war. Over 2,000 people have died during the fighting. Still, there is something almost hypnotically compelling about an IDF soldier, tank and all, illuminated in the soft glow of the rainbow.

Iran and Hezbollah have yet to comment on this new technicolor military display. Experts speculate they are potentially consulting with their own fashion advisors to counteract this latest move.

“Maybe we should reconsider this whole throwing the gays off the roof thing,” said Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh during a conversation with reporters. “Maybe if we embrace the rainbow instead of purposely getting Palestinian civilians killed, it might help our image on the world stage.”

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But the Israeli strategy doesn’t stop at colorful new uniforms. The IDF will also incorporate diversity, equity, and inclusion principles into its war effort.

“We have decided that we will not kill any Hamas operative who identifies a member of the LGBTQ community,” said Yael Katz, a high-ranking member of the IDF. “Especially if they are trans.”

Moshe Weiss, an Israeli soldier, supports the policy. “Some say it might be dangerous to allow terrorists to live just because they identify as trans, or whatever, but I think it’s a marvelous way to promote inclusivity even during wartime,” he explained.

It seems the strategy might already be bearing fruit as prominent progressive activists have warmed up to the idea.

“I’m not saying I support the war,” admitted Brooklyn-based activist, Davy Jernigan. “But I’m not NOT saying that either. At least, not until I see how those rainbow uniforms glisten under the Gaza sun.”

Mason Yancy, a pro-Palestine activist based in Los Angeles, told The Smattering, “I used to despise those Jews — I mean the Israeli occupiers. But I think it’s a great idea. If Israel can mix missiles, bullets, and rainbows, then why shouldn’t we support them?”

He added: “I think this is a beauitful way to make LGBTQ people feel welcome while Israel slaughters terrorists in Gaza.”

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River Streamsong, founder of "Love and Light Brigade" also chimed in, explaining her change of heart:

"War is an absolute tragedy. But, think about it: If it’s fought by Israeli soldiers dressed like they're heading to Pride Parade, well, that’s a tragedy I can Instagram.”

“I mean, I was a supporter of Hamas until I saw these new uniforms,” said Hannah Gore, communications director for “Pride Paratroopers” an advocacy group for LGBTQ service members. “I mean, when was the last time you heard of Hamas expressing their support for the LGBTQ community and inclusivity?”

She added: “Maybe they do all deserve to get blowed up.”

Milo Rainbow, a leftist podcaster, loved the idea.

“War is a monstrosity, but honey, if you’re going to fight, do it with flair! The IDF’s new PRIDE uniforms? I never imagined I’d see the day when tanks and rainbows could coexist. It's like a unicorn in a minefield - confusing, but utterly fabulous.”

Israel has already rolled out the new uniforms, but there are indications that the IDF might take it step further. “There is talk of holding drag shows in the Gaza Strip to celebrate after we finally wipe out Hamas. It'll show our continuing support for the LGBTQ community.”

Yonkers, New York — Rep. Jamaal Bowman dialed 911 emergency line to get first responders out to his home to open his front door for him. According to various witnesses, the congressman was confused as to how to get the door open so he could relax after a grueling legislative session to avoid a government shutdown.

This development comes after Bowman elicited controversy when he pulled the fire alarm while the House of Representative voted on a series of measures intended to keep the government open.

“It was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen,” said Johnny Applebaum, Bowman’s neighbor. “He just walked up to his door with a perplexed look on his face and immediately took out his phone and started dialing.”

He added: “He didn’t even try to open the door before getting his phone out.”

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House Republicans derided Bowman for calling the emergency line for such a trivial matter. “I reckon if we spent half as much time on budget appropriations as Bowman does on figuring out doors and alarms, we’d have a surplus by now,” said Rep. Chip Roy (R-TX).

Democrats rallied to support Bowman, acknowledging the unique struggles he faces as a black congressman. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) chimed in, “In this era of unprecedented wealth and income inequality, it’s a national disgrace that some Americans still struggle to open doors.”

Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) proposed a rather interesting solution. “If doors are the barrier to progress, then let’s just remove all doors. Problem solved,” she said, noting that she has already introduced legislation banning front doors nationwide.

Others have put forth different solutions. “I’m introducing the ‘Open Door Policy Act’,” said Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA). “This legislation will make door-opening lessons mandatory in all public schools.”

Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) said, “You’ve got to be kidding me. A guy calls 911 to open his front door and now we have to pass legislation addressing the issue? We are not a serious country right now.”

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In a press conference Bowman called right after officers opened his door for him, he explained his actions:

“I saw a guy on Twitter highlight this problem perfectly. He pointed out that ‘white supremacy has closed so many doors for black people that most of us have forgotten how to open them.’”

“I have never seen a truer statement than that,” Bowman added. “As a nation, we need to focus on opening doors to healing and progress. There is no reason why a black man in America should have to worry about rifling through his keys to get into his own home.”

Washington, D.C. – In a groundbreaking fashion statement, Sen. Cory Booker (D-NJ) arrived on the Senate floor Tuesday wearing a pair of pink booty shorts. The decision to sport the daring attire comes on the heels of the Senate's newly relaxed dress code policy, an announcement that has sparked controversy and debate among lawmakers.

While Republican senators like Susan Collins and Tommy Tuberville have criticized the casualization of the Senate dress code, Booker's wardrobe choice received impassioned defense from his fellow Democrats.

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Riding the wave of the discourse surrounding the Senate's dress code, Booker himself took the time to explain the statement behind his audacious outfit. "These shorts are not just a piece of clothing; they represent the freedom to be oneself in an institution often characterized by conformity. Plus, they're incredibly comfortable."

After giving his remarks, Booker sashawed away singing Cardi B’s “Bongos.”

Sources told The Smattering that right-wing critics prompted Booker to double down on his fashion choices and wear a pink princess dress later in the day. “Don’t get it twisted. I’m revolutionizing the way we do government,” he said before snapping his fingers twice in a zig-zag motion.

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"This is what democracy looks like, people!" exclaimed Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA). "If we can't express ourselves through booty shorts, then what's the point of free speech?"

She added: “I might wear my traditional native American headdress tomorrow to show solidarity!”

White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre also weighed in, "Look, the President supports any effort to make Congress more relatable and accessible to the American people. If booty shorts do that, then the President is all in."

This development comes amid controversy over Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA), who has been showing up to the floor wearing hoodies and shorts. Some have claimed that his fashion choice flouts decorum and professional standards.

Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) declared his support by saying, "We're talking about health care, climate change, and economic inequality. And you're worried about shorts? The top 1% of the top 1% can wear Armani suits, but the rest of us can't wear booty shorts? Enough is enough!"

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DNC Chair Jaime Harrison praised Booker's fashion-forward decision: "Cory is showing us that policy and leg day can coexist in a balanced, democratic society."

He added: “The American people deserve to see our lawmakers in all their glory, even if it means booty shorts”

Sen. Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, who earlier this week announced the relaxed dress code, commented, "Look, I said I'll continue to wear a suit, but I never said anything about not supporting those who want to... stretch the fabric of our democratic norms. I stand—or sit—by Senator Booker."

Alabama GOP Sen. Tommy Tuberville quipped, "You got people walking around in booty shorts, that really don't fly with me. Next thing you know, we’ll start showing up in cargo pants and crocs!”

Richard Thompson Ford, a Stanford University law professor, stated that the new Senate dress code is a reflection of changing societal norms. "I think Sen. Booker is just ahead of the curve. In fact, he’s setting the curve, literally and figuratively."

As the debate over booty shorts simmers in the hallowed halls of Congress, one thing is clear: Booker's audacious fashion statement has Americans talking about the Senate in a way they never have before. Whether this conversation continues to focus on the importance of attire or shifts to the critical issues facing our nation remains to be seen.

Lahaina, Hawaii — In a shocking turn of events, Ukraine has announced its decision to annex Hawaii, hoping that this audacious move will finally catch the attention of the Biden administration and force them to take the Aloha State's concerns seriously. The Ukrainian government, known for its flair for unconventional diplomacy, believes that by adding a tropical paradise to its territory, it can exert pressure on President Biden to prioritize the needs of Hawaii.

"It's simple, really," stated Ukraine's Minister of Unconventional Foreign Relations, Ivanna Believeitova. “Hawaii’s government sees that the big guy gives us money whenever we ask, so it asked us to take over.”

She added: “We've already got the Crimean Peninsula, and now we'll have the Hawaiian Peninsula too!"

This development comes after the region has been ravaged by wildfires. The Biden administration has been pilloried by residents for failing to offer meaningful support in the wake of the disaster.

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Experts are divided on the feasibility of this endeavor, with some hailing it as a brilliant political maneuver and others calling it a ploy that's too "out there" even in this crazy political environment. Meanwhile, Hawaiians are reportedly befuddled, wondering how they'll fit into Ukraine's geopolitical ambitions.

“At first, I wasn’t so sure about the idea,” said Lenny Makana, a local businessman. “But when I realized we could basically get a blank check from Joe Biden without having to worry about fighting Russia, I figured it’s a good deal.”

Hawaii seems to be following the lead of Tariq Nasheed, who gathered a group of African Americans to travel to Ukraine to seek Ukrainian citizenship in order to get reparations from the federal government. “Wait, you mean all we had to do was go to Hawaii and wait for Ukraine to take this sh*t over? This some old bullsh*t. We’re moving back. It’s so cold here!” Nasheed said.

Other Hawaii residents were also optimistic. Leila Kekoa, a homemaker, told The Smattering that if Ukraine “could handle Chernobyl, they can definitely get things back on track here.”

Dmytro Petrenko, a high-ranking official in the Ukrainian government, also expressed optimism. “We have a lot in common, actually,” he said. "Hawaii's all about those ocean vibes, and Ukraine's got the Black Sea what could be better?”

He added: “If this goes well, Ukraine will start collecting tropical islands like Pokémon cards!”

A senior advisor for President Joe Biden did not indicate whether this move would prompt the White House to finally care about Hawaii, but he did tell The Smattering: “Well, you know what they say, the more the merrier, right?”

The president has not committed to increasing aid to Hawaii after it becomes part of Ukraine. But when asked about it by reporters, he said: “You know, some of the best borscht I ever had was when I visited Hawaii. I remember thinking: ‘If we just added some pineapple and salt, this would hit the spot nicely.’”

Orlando, Florida — In another groundbreaking move Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill mandating a controversial overhaul of the state's education system. From now on, the institution of American slavery will be referred to as the "Historical Negro Job Skills Training Program." The move is intended to highlight its myriad of benefits slavery brought to African slaves.

Under the new guidelines, slave masters will be euphemistically referred to as "Negro Job Trainers," emphasizing their role in imparting "valuable skills" to their "indentured interns." And in a stroke of genius, slave plantations will be rebranded as "Opportunity Orchards," presenting them as bastions in which Africans could grow and thrive.

Meanwhile, the governor's supporters maintain that the new curriculum will bring about unity and harmony. "Why focus on the negative aspects of history when we can paint a brighter picture of the past?" a spokesperson for DeSantis declared. "After all, the 'Negro Job Skills Training Program' was essentially an early form of job training, right?"

Teachers will be tasked with teaching pupils that slaves fleeing from their Job Trainers were simply engaged in "illegal truancies," much like skipping school to grab an ice cream cone.

“We just want our young ones to have a more comprehensive view of the job skills training program many African Americans went through for hundreds of years,” said a State Republican lawmaker. “I mean, it wasn’t THAT bad, was it?”

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History books are expected to undergo extensive makeovers. Students will be fed a steady diet of anecdotes about how the "Negro Job Skills Training Program" fostered the development of esteemed African American blacksmiths, shoemakers, fishermen, tailors, and teachers.

"Can you imagine how amazing it was for these indentured interns to receive specialized training from their trainers?" said a spokesperson for the Florida Republican Party. "“These people learned how to cook, clean, farm, and care for children. Why shouldn’t we celebrate this?”

Gov. DeSantis has faced intense criticism for his alleged effort rewrite the narrative of slavery. Still, proponents of the bill argue that it's high time we highlight the positive aspects of the past.

The governor also told reporters that the state would create “Plantation Adventure Camps” so that kids can go away from the summer and experience the the life of an African indentured intern. “They will learn how to pick cotton, set the table, build fences, and experience the great outdoors while picking cotton,” said a spokesperson with the governor’s office. “The governor thinks there is no better way battle wokeness then to teach an alternative view of slave — I mean, American’s Historical Job Skills Training Program.”

While Republicans have praised the effort, some have expressed discomfort with the fact that white kids will be expected to wear blackface the whole time they are staying at the camp.

As we navigate this perplexing alternate reality, one thing remains clear: the debate over rewriting history will continue to rage on.

New York City, New York – In a remarkable display of their commitment to journalistic integrity, a group of progressive journalists has made a groundbreaking decision: they will cease covering child sex trafficking altogether. These reporters believe this will help them protect the world from the perilous spread of "QAnon right-wing conspiracy theories” in the entertainment industry and social media.

Journalists with several high-profile establishment and digital media outlets have vowed to stop covering issues related to child sex trafficking, or other types of human trafficking. They argue that by refusing to report on these matters, they are taking a brave stand against conservative bigots saying things they don’t like on social media. Some indicated that sacrificing the potential to shed light on a pressing issue is worth the risk.

“If we have to let a few more kids get sold into slavery and abused, then it’s worth it. said Greg Tarrio, a media consultant for a local New York City radio show. “If we can stop the spread of misinformation and right-wing conspiracy theories in the culture, then I’m sorry, but we’re gonna have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette.”

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In an exclusive interview with one of the progressive journalists leading the charge, The Smattering asked about the rationale behind this bizarre decision. The reporter, who insisted on anonymity, explained, "We have to prioritize. Yes, child sex trafficking is terrible, but have you seen what those right-wing QAnon folks have been saying on Twitter? It's wild! We can't risk giving their outlandish ideas any platform even if it means potentially saving children from sexual abuse."

This development comes amid widespread debate over the movie “Sound of Freedom.” Many on the left have made the dubious claim that the film promotes conspiracy theories championed by QAnon, a movement that thrives off these ideas.

While most might argue that raising awareness about child sex trafficking is crucial for combating it effectively, these progressive journalists beg to differ. “I understand the concerns,” said Sally Schmidt. “Nobody wants to see children getting hurt. But you know what else they don’t want to see? Weirdo conspiracy theories about Joe Biden and his crackhead son. We have to get our priorities straight.”

To further this agenda, these journalists have developed a strategy to redirect their coverage. Instead of reporting on child sex trafficking and other important problems, they plan to focus on topics that truly matter to their audience. “We want to focus on the latest fashion trends, avocado toast recipes, and, of course, the riveting, never-ending drama of reality TV shows,” said Kurt Grant, a CNN producer.

"We're really excited about this new direction," one journalist enthusiastically shared. "Yes, the trafficking issue is a thing, and we are so sorry that more kids will probably be hurt because we want to avoid dealing with it, but look at it this way: Wouldn’t you prefer to hear more about the debate over Nicki Minaj’s Barbie wig?”

While critics may argue that abandoning the coverage of child sex trafficking is irresponsible and morally suspect, these progressive journalists remain steadfast in their commitment to fighting the QAnon dragons lurking around every corner.

President Joe Biden also chimed in on the matter during a conversation with The Smattering. “Human trafficking? Oh yeah, I hate human trafficking,” he said. “That’s why I always took the Amtrak into DC back when I was a Supreme Court judge. Could you imagine driving all that way? C’mon man!”

Los Angeles, California — In a surprising turn of events, actor and Christian activist Kirk Cameron has announced a bold decision to dress in drag in order to gain access to libraries and read books about traditional values to children. Cameron, known for his conservative Christian views, has taken a page out of the "Drag Queen Story Hour" playbook, hoping to use their own tactics to win them over.

Dubbing his new endeavor "Drag King Story Hour," Cameron plans to visit libraries across the nation, sporting fabulous wigs, glamorous makeup, and glitzy gowns to win over library administrators, many of whom only want leftist ideas presented to children. His intention is to promote values like honor, loyalty, friendship, personal responsibility, faith, and love, but with a touch of glitter and fabulousness.

Cameron's unique approach comes as a response to the American Library Association's (ALA) bias against conservatives. The taxpayer-funded entity has provided instruction to local libraries on how they can prevent the actor and other conservatives from reading to children.

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Cameron hopes that by embracing drag, he can appeal to those who might be leery about having him spread conservative messages to children.

“The problem is that the American Library Association has told libraries not to host Kirk and Brave Books because of our political views,” said Noah Blakely, a member of Cameron’s team. “So we figured we would try to meet them where they are at. I think it’s going to work. We have already gotten some positive feedback on how dazzling Kirk looks in pink.”

"I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be wearing sequins and feathers, but desperate times call for desperate measures, and here we are," Cameron chuckled during a press conference. "If libraries are willing to host Drag Queen Story Hour, why not embrace Drag King Story Hour? After all, we should celebrate diversity in all its forms, right?"

The actor plans to transform himself into a glamorous and empowering character named "Lady Virtue," or “Lady V” for short, who will captivate children with tales of traditional family values.

“It’s like a conservative Christian Mrs. Doubtfire, but without the cool accent,” said Reginald Parr, a spokesperson for the actor. “Our hope is that the performance will instill conservative values like limited government, personal responsibility, and respect for rule of law into these young minds.”

Cameron insists that his new persona will offer a fresh and pretty perspective on moral lessons, encouraging youngsters to embrace their roots all while sashaying down the runway of righteousness.

However, not everyone is thrilled with Cameron's unconventional approach. Critics argue that his plan to dress in drag is simply an attempt to mock the "Drag Queen Story Hour" movement.

“He’s appropriating queer culture to advance a Nazi agenda,” said Omar Nettles, a Los Angeles-based LGBTQ activist. “Why can’t these conservatives just let us indoctrinate their kids in peace?”

He added: “We are the ones who know what’s best for these brats anyway and we don’t need these fascists trying to interfere.”

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When asked about the backlash, Cameron responded with a twinkle in his eye, "Hey, if they can read fairy tales to children, why can't I read stories about real-life heroes? It's time for Kirk Cameron to get fabulous!”

However, the actor does seem to have earned some support from folks on the left. “I wasn't too crazy about Kirk Cameron because he is clearly a Christian nationalist and fascist. But after seeing him in a slinky red dress and nine-inch stilletos, I think he’s won me over. Maybe there is something to this ‘traditional values’ stuff,” said Marjory Hindenburg, a librarian in Glendale.

As "Lady Virtue" prepares to take libraries by storm, the battle between traditional values and progressive ideals rages on. While some may question Cameron's methods, one thing is certain: his determination to spread his message of faith and family values knows no bounds, even if it means strutting in high heels and investing in copious amounts of glitter, eye liner, and face powder.

Only time will tell if Cameron's unconventional approach will be successful in breaking down the barriers of censorship and allowing conservative voices to be heard in libraries. In the meantime, we can only marvel at the unexpected twists and turns that emerge in the pursuit of freedom of expression.

President Joe Biden also chimed in on the matter during a press conference:

“Well, I don’t agree with all of Kirk Cameron’s political views, but I think she’s a darn fine lady and seems like a really nice individual. You know, I used to be into drag myself. My dad used to take me to the races all the time — man, those cars would speedy by so fast. They were so loud that I almost dropped my ice cream cone when I went for the first time. Okay, no more questions, time for my nap.”

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Portland, Oregon — Progressive activists concerned about gun violence are launching a campaign to drum up the support they need to pass more restrictive gun laws. The group plans to purchase an AR-15 for every eligible black American to scare Republicans into backing stricter regulations on firearms.

“We’ve known for a long time that racist Republicans are terrified at the thought of black men owning guns,” said Shelby Harris, chief operating officer of “Unpull the Trigger,” a non-profit anti-gun group. “By making sure every black man has a rifle, we can finally get Republicans to support universal background checks, gun buybacks, and confiscation of assault weapons.”

Dubbed the "Scare the Racists Straight" initiative, this controversial proposal is intended to get Republican politicians and their conservative constituents on board with the effort to limit gun ownership as much as possible.

“It’s a really exciting project,” said Tiffany Petit. “When these racist rednecks see video after video of black men shooting assault weapons at the range and carrying them in public, they’ll get on the phone immediately to tell their Congressperson to support more gun control pronto!”

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The underlying belief is that the mere thought of black people exercising their Second Amendment rights will cause conservatives to abandon their principles faster than you can say: "Look out for that black dude with a Glock!"

The mastermind behind this brilliant scheme, activist and president of “Unpull the Trigger,” Jeremy Lassiter, explains the rationale: "We've seen how gun control discussions consistently hit a roadblock when it comes to appealing to racist Republicans. So, we decided to take a different approach. We're going to give them a taste of their own medicine, but instead of using dog whistles and fear-mongering, we'll just arm black Americans and watch them squirm!"

"We've done our research," Lassiter chuckled, "and it turns out racist Republicans have a long-standing fear of black people with guns. Who knew? It's like playing on their deepest insecurities and letting them see the world through a reversed lens. We're not just shaking up politics; we're shaking up their preconceived notions of who should have the right to bear arms!"

He added: “The answer is: Nobody should have the right to bear arms!”

When asked about the research the group has conducted about Republican attitudes towards black men with guns, he told The Smattering that it involved “at least three hours on social media and a few hours of MSNBC.”

I asked if he had actually had conversations with folks on the right to gauge their opinions. “Eww, no way. Why would I do that? Rachel Maddow tells me everything I need to know about those people,” Lassiter spurted.

But what happens after they pass sweeping gun control measures and millions of black men own AR-15s? The group has an answer for that.

“Basically, we will pass a law prohibiting assault weapons, including AR-15s, which means we can send police to summarily round up any of our black beneficiaries who have not turned in their rifles and throw them in prison,” said Lorna Kaye, Unpull the Trigger’s communications director. “I mean, you didn’t think we would let those people keep their guns, did you?”

Nashville, Tennessee – Just weeks after the Daily Wire’s Matt Walsh complained about white folks not being able to use the n-word, he made waves by identifying another societal ill: Referring to entitled white women as “Karen.”

He wrote:

“Karen” is a racial slur. If I derisively referred to random black women I find annoying as “Shaniqua” or whatever everyone would consider it racist. The Karen slur is used to dismiss and degrade white women. That’s the whole point.

But now, Walsh and other conservative influencers have concocted an ingenious idea to counteract the stigma of the label and reverse years of oppression.

In a stunning display of linguistic genius, conservatives on social media now discovered the perfect parallel between the term "Karen" and the n-word. They seek to repurpose the term “Karen” much in the same way black Americans have reimagined the word “n*gga” as a term of endearment.

“If the blacks can take back the n-word and prevent us white people from saying it, why can’t we do the same with Karen?” Walsh asked on a recent podcast episode. “I think this just might catch on.”

Other conservative influencers and activists told The Smattering that ever since the alleged slur became popular around 2016, white Americans have been viciously oppressed by people using the word to apply to entitled white women.

“It’s just so dehumanizing,” said Rick Donovan, a Republican activist in Nashville. “We have come too far in this country to have everyone thinking all white people are entitled women asking for a manager.”

He added: “Even white people are using this racial slur to oppress other white people. This internalized anti-white racism is going to be the death of us all!”

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While some might argue that the n-word holds a deep historical and cultural significance, stemming from centuries of racial oppression, some conservatives argue that calling someone a "Karen" is pretty much the same thing.

“I understand the n-word has been used to demean and dehumanize black people for centuries,” said Hannah Partridge, who runs a nonprofit called Stop Anti-White Hatred. “But now we are the ones being oppressed. Sometimes I feel like the white version of Kunta Kinte when I log in to Twitter.”

Right-leaning influencers have encouraged their white followers to start using the supposed slur as a term of endearment with other white folks.

“Whenever I see another white person at Whole Foods, I’ve been saying ‘what’s up my Karen?’” said Gunther Fox, a conservative YouTuber. “When I see other white people acting crazy, I say ‘Karens is wildin’”

He added: “Last week I was playing golf with my friends and after I won the round, I told them: ‘you Karens ain’t sh*t.’”

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), who recently argued that calling someone a white supremacist is akin to using the n-word, is said to approve of the effort. An aide speaking on condition of anonymity told The Smattering that Greene told an audience of young Republicans that every time she hears someone use the supposed slur, “she has nightmares of being forced to pick cotton in a field for no pay.”

When asked if this whole thing was going a bit overboard, the aide responded, “Karen, please.”