Black Conservative Swears Off Pumpkin Spice Lattes After They Turn Him Into a White Progressive Woman

Photo by Prchi Palwe on Unsplash

Austin, TX — A conservative man who happens to be black has sworn off pumpkin spice lattes after experiencing some rather bizarre side effects. The coffee drink, which is a favorite among less-melanated women all over the country, has been a staple of the Autumn season for years. But Jeffiziah Charleston, a Texas-based writer, claims the popular beverage caused him to engage in abnormal behavior.

The situation started when he saw conservative podcaster and Trump lawyer Jenna Ellis post a tweet about pumpkin spice lattes. The picture in the tweet looked quite enticing, and he had to try one, even if it meant having people call his blackness into question.

“When I first tried the pumpkin spice latte, I thought it was quite tasty,” he told The Smattering. “But not even 30 minutes later, I began to feel differently.”

Charleston claims he found himself with an irresistible urge to listen to singer Taylor Swift while driving.

“I found that I knew all the words to her songs. I’d never even listened to her music before that damned coffee and I couldn’t stop myself from singing along at the top of my lungs,” he winced.

Charleston also recalled how it radically changed his political outlook. He said it gave him a compelling urge to find black conservatives on Twitter and lecture them about how oppressed they are.

“I spent days trying to get these people to see that they were only supporting their oppressors and voting against their interests by supporting fascists like Trump,” he explained.

It was then that he realized what he had become: A white progressive woman trapped inside a black man’s body. This prompted him to begin engaging in Karenesque behavior.

“I saw some black guys across the street from my house, and my friends and family had to physically restrain me from calling the police on them,” Charleston said.

“They weren’t even doing anything suspicious. But I just knew they were up to no good,” he added.

Black conservative commentator Sonnie Johnson, a good friend of Charleston’s, told The Smattering: “I told him about messing around with those fancy drinks, but he wouldn’t listen.”

Consuming the drink has also affected Charleston financially. “I emptied my entire savings account to donate to Black Lives Matter, Shaun King, and some others,” he lamented. “Now I’m flat broke.”

Fortunately, Charleston’s affliction has mostly worn off. But he still has white progressive urges from time to time. “I almost stopped a black couple in the grocery store to apologize for my ancestor’s role in slavery and Jim Crow,” he said. “I descend from slaves! Why am I apologizing?”