Black Journalist Fights to Save Thrill-Seeking People of Whiteness From Themselves

Not all heroes wear capes. Some just prevent People of Whiteness from wrestling alligators.

In an inspiring turn of events, one Black man’s mission to keep People of Whiteness (POWs) safe from their penchant for adrenaline-packed, thrill-seeking hobbies has taken social media by storm.

Jefferson Charleston, a prominent libertarian political commentator, is considering giving up his career to devote himself full time to “Operation Safety Net,” a burgeoning nonprofit dedicated to educating People of Whiteness about the perils of engaging in dangerous activities like petting grizzly bears and base jumping.

The organization promises to be the savinng grace that thrill-seeking POWs didn’t know they needed.

“I was simply mortified by all the video footage on social media showing People of Whiteness putting themselves in danger by wrestling with alligators and trying to befriend gigantic bears,” Charleston told The Smattering. “I mean, didn’t anyone teach them to stay away from these creatures?’

It all started one sunny afternoon in suburban Austin, Texas when Charleston witnessed his neighbor, Aiden, a 35-year-old accountant, gearing up to cuddle with a clearly agitated mountain lion while on a hike. After saving Bob from a potentially fatal encounter, Charleston had a lightbulb moment: “Maybe I should save all the Aidens out there, frolicking near the jaws of danger.”

Operation Safety Net is committed to educating America’s People of Whiteness population on the perils of unnecessary hobbies. From rock climbing without safety equipment, to dancing underwater with great white sharks, to trying to take selfies with Grizzly bears, the organization seeks to instill a caution where none seems to exist.

Chip Anderson, a Person of Whiteness who claims his life was saved after meeting Charleston, explained how he simply couldn’t resist pursuing perilous endeavors like skydiving and wrestling alligators with his bare hands.

“Man, I was completely lost before I met Jefferson. There wasn’t a vicious Grizzly bear that I didn’t want to cuddle up with,” he said. “And every time I threw myself off a bridge into the sea, I would think: ‘This must be what meth feels like.’”

Fortunately, Charleston managed to intervene, explaining to Anderson the error of his ways. “I thought I was invincible. Turns out, I wasn’t. Jefferson showed me that scene in 'The Revenant’ when Leo DiCaprio gets mauled by a bear, and then it started to sink in,” Anderson recalled.

Operation Safety Net seeks to reach out to vulnerable People of Whiteness through a series of programs intended to educate them on the dangers of the activities they seem to enjoy.

Each week, Charleston puts on “Think Before You Leap” workshops in which he presents hard facts to show just how many things can go horribly wrong when leaping from planes, cliffs, or into animal enclosures.

They feature testimonials from ex-thrill seekers like Dave, who once tried to surf during a hurricane. “I don’t know what came over me, man. It’s like I just HAD to get on my surfboard and ride that thing out. I wouldn’t be here today if Jefferson hadn’t explained to me why this was a bad idea,” he recounts in a video clip.

The newly-launched No Petting Zoo Initiative has also produced some positive preliminary results. The program involves a traveling road show featuring some of the most dangerous animals known to man.

The organization puts bears, lions, badgers, and even a shark tank on full display while training People of Whiteness not to touch, play with, or even speak to them. “Getting me to resist the temptation to interact with these beasts was a challenge,” said Thad Newton, a recovering bear cuddler. “I was convinced all bears were like Winnie the Pooh. But Jefferson showed me they are not.”

The local community has had mixed reactions. Some, like Jane from Idaho, say, “It’s about time someone stopped Chad from cliff diving at our family reunions!” Others, like Chad, claim, “What’s life without a little risk?”

Nevertheless, Charleston soldiers on in his quest to save People of Whiteness from their prediliction for risky behavior.

“If I can save even one thrill-seeker from becoming a headline in a cautionary tale, then I have done my job,” he explained. With wit and a net big enough to catch a falling person (literally and figuratively), “Operation Safety Net” might just become the next big thing in preventive care—at least for those who think wrestling sharks is a fun weekend activity.