The Smattering.

The Smattering.

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
BREAKING: Biden Administration Offers to Negotiate Paul Whelan’s Release From Russian Prison if He Agrees to Become a Trans Woman
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More

BREAKING: Biden Administration Offers to Negotiate Paul Whelan’s Release From Russian Prison if He Agrees to Become a Trans Woman

There might be some hope for Paul Whelan.

Jeff Charles
Dec 08, 2022
2

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
BREAKING: Biden Administration Offers to Negotiate Paul Whelan’s Release From Russian Prison if He Agrees to Become a Trans Woman
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
1
Share
people in front of white and green concrete building during daytime
Photo by Kristina Volgenau on Unsplash

Washington, D.C. — Former U.S. Marine Paul Whelan is reportedly considering an offer from the Biden administration that could secure his freedom after being imprisoned in Russia. The State Department is believed to have informed Whelan’s attorney that if he agrees to transition to a trans woman, the White House would be more enthusiastic to bring him back to the United States.

A top White House official calling himself “Vinnie” told The Smattering that if Whelan expects the state department to work on his behalf, he might need to make some changes. “He’s not black. He’s not gay. Why should we bother to stick our necks out for this guy?” he said.

“If he wants us to spring him out of the big house, he’s gotta sweeten the pot a bit. There ain’t no political capital to be gained by rescuing some cis white guy,” Vinnie added.

Whelan was arrested in Russia in 2018 over allegations of spying. He was given a 16-year prison sentence in 2020.

The prisoner’s attorneys have been tight-lipped about whether Whelan will take the White House’s offer. “He considered identifying as non-binary and converting to Islam,” said a member of his legal team. “That would probably help, but we think he would score more points with Biden if he just went full tranny.”

Meanwhile, the state department insists it is doing its best to meet everyone’s demands. “People are always bugging us about what we should be doing for them,” Vinnie said. “‘Stop inflation, get rid of crime, rescue Britney, get this Paulie guy out of prison,’”

“But nobody ever stops and asks what we need,” he added. “We ain’t gonna put up with it no more.”

Whelan’s lawyers have expressed optimism about his situation, noting that they managed to talk the White House down to a social transition instead of having the prisoner go through surgery. “I’m just glad we were able to get the government to see reason on this. He’s already lost four years — can we at least let him keep his body parts?” the attorney said.

President Biden seemed amenable to the idea. “I think we can work something out. I want very much to help this young man,” he told reporters during a press briefing. “I spent a few years of my childhood in a Russian prison, and I can tell you, it’s no joke!”

The Smattering is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

2

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
BREAKING: Biden Administration Offers to Negotiate Paul Whelan’s Release From Russian Prison if He Agrees to Become a Trans Woman
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
1
Share

Discussion about this post

FLsgh
Dec 8, 2022

😂😂😂

Expand full comment
Like
Reply
Share
BREAKING: Elon Musk to Appoint Donald Trump Jr. as New Twitter CEO After Stepping Down
Is this the right move?
Dec 19, 2022 • 
Jeff Charles
50

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
BREAKING: Elon Musk to Appoint Donald Trump Jr. as New Twitter CEO After Stepping Down
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
42
Sen. Cory Booker Faces Criticism for Wearing Pink Booty Shorts at Capitol After Dress Code Change
The Senate's relaxed dress code policy might have brought about some unintended consequences.
Sep 21, 2023 • 
Jeff Charles
6

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
Sen. Cory Booker Faces Criticism for Wearing Pink Booty Shorts at Capitol After Dress Code Change
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
2
BREAKING: Progressives Launch Campaign to Buy Every Black Man an AR-15 to Scare Republicans into Supporting Gun Control
Interesting strategy. Will it work?
Jun 15, 2023 • 
Jeff Charles
10

Share this post

The Smattering.
The Smattering.
BREAKING: Progressives Launch Campaign to Buy Every Black Man an AR-15 to Scare Republicans into Supporting Gun Control
Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More
26

Ready for more?

© 2025 Jeff Charles
Privacy ∙ Terms ∙ Collection notice
Start WritingGet the app
Substack is the home for great culture

Share

Copy link
Facebook
Email
Notes
More

Create your profile

undefined subscriptions will be displayed on your profile (edit)

Skip for now

Only paid subscribers can comment on this post

Already a paid subscriber? Sign in

Check your email

For your security, we need to re-authenticate you.

Click the link we sent to , or click here to sign in.