BREAKING: Biden Administration Offers to Negotiate Paul Whelan’s Release From Russian Prison if He Agrees to Become a Trans Woman

There might be some hope for Paul Whelan.

Photo by Kristina Volgenau on Unsplash

Washington, D.C. — Former U.S. Marine Paul Whelan is reportedly considering an offer from the Biden administration that could secure his freedom after being imprisoned in Russia. The State Department is believed to have informed Whelan’s attorney that if he agrees to transition to a trans woman, the White House would be more enthusiastic to bring him back to the United States.

A top White House official calling himself “Vinnie” told The Smattering that if Whelan expects the state department to work on his behalf, he might need to make some changes. “He’s not black. He’s not gay. Why should we bother to stick our necks out for this guy?” he said.

“If he wants us to spring him out of the big house, he’s gotta sweeten the pot a bit. There ain’t no political capital to be gained by rescuing some cis white guy,” Vinnie added.

Whelan was arrested in Russia in 2018 over allegations of spying. He was given a 16-year prison sentence in 2020.

The prisoner’s attorneys have been tight-lipped about whether Whelan will take the White House’s offer. “He considered identifying as non-binary and converting to Islam,” said a member of his legal team. “That would probably help, but we think he would score more points with Biden if he just went full tranny.”

Meanwhile, the state department insists it is doing its best to meet everyone’s demands. “People are always bugging us about what we should be doing for them,” Vinnie said. “‘Stop inflation, get rid of crime, rescue Britney, get this Paulie guy out of prison,’”

“But nobody ever stops and asks what we need,” he added. “We ain’t gonna put up with it no more.”

Whelan’s lawyers have expressed optimism about his situation, noting that they managed to talk the White House down to a social transition instead of having the prisoner go through surgery. “I’m just glad we were able to get the government to see reason on this. He’s already lost four years — can we at least let him keep his body parts?” the attorney said.

President Biden seemed amenable to the idea. “I think we can work something out. I want very much to help this young man,” he told reporters during a press briefing. “I spent a few years of my childhood in a Russian prison, and I can tell you, it’s no joke!”