BREAKING: Progressive Activists Claim Wearing Clothes Made from Cotton Is 'Problematic,' Urge Nation to Dress in Tote Bags
How much longer will the nation's closets get away with this?
Atlanta, GA - A coalition of online activists has turned its attention to the most dangerous object in the average American home: the T-shirt.
In a statement posted as a twelve-slide carousel, the group declared cotton “a fabric with a complicated history and a frankly suspicious softness,” and asked Americans to stop wearing it immediately, or at least to feel bad while wearing it.
A fabric with a past
Organizers pointed out, accurately, that the history of cotton in America is a brutal one. They then concluded, less accurately, that the correct response in 2023 was to post about it from bed in a cotton hoodie.
“We have to reckon with what's touching our skin,” said Lisa Matthews, a community organizer in Chicago, who was wearing a cotton hoodie. “This is a borrowed hoodie. It's different.”
“Even wool raises questions. Some lambs are born dark and then turn white. What is that telling our kids?”
The approved wardrobe
The coalition has published a list of acceptable alternatives. It includes hemp, recycled tote bags, and “whatever the person posting this is wearing at the moment.” Polyester was briefly approved and then removed after a separate coalition described it as “basically a plastic bag with sleeves.”
A YouTuber with two hundred thousand subscribers asked his audience why Congress had not yet banned cotton “in, like, everything.” His video was sponsored by a clothing brand.
Retail reacts
Major apparel companies said they were listening. One sportswear giant announced a limited-edition line of shirts made from “ethically sourced mixed feelings,” priced at ninety dollars each.
Protests were planned in several cities. In Portland, a demonstrator was arrested after throwing pink paint on shoppers leaving a department store. Police said the paint was water-based and the demonstrator's jacket was one hundred percent cotton.
