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Elon Musk Suspends Alleged 'Journalists' As Part of New 'F*ck Around and Find Out' Policy
He's not going to take it anymore.
Austin, TX — Twitter CEO Elon Musk made waves when he decided to suspend alleged journalists for revealing his location in real time. The move is part of the company’s newly-minted “F*ck Around and Find Out” (FAFO) policy.
“I told y’all don’t start none, won’t be none. But y’all ain’t listen, so you got to go,” Musk said during a Twitter Spaces session that included the suspended “journalists.”
“This is unacceptable,” said Aaron Rupar, an alleged journalist known for posting deceptively-edited videos to smear conservatives. “This is the exact type of digital violence we have been warning about ever since Elon bought the company.”
He added: “You have no idea how many lives will be affected by this. Can’t Biden do something?”
An NBC News spokesperson railed against the Twitter CEO, claiming the suspensions were akin to fascism. “I mean, if Hitler were alive today, I’m sure he would be suspending all of our accounts from Twitter. This is almost worse than Jan. 6,” she said.
Other purported journalists reported feeling traumatized by the whole affair. Alleged journalist Keith Olbermann told The Smattering that the stress from his suspension has affected him physically. “I can’t sleep. I’m breaking out in hives. And…and…I can’t stop crying,” he sobbed. “It’s all so…unfair.”
Musk accused his detractors of overreacting, saying, “It’s just a seven-day suspension, for crying out loud.”
He continued: “If they wanna keep acting like little b*tches, I’ll make it permanent.”
CNN anchor Don Lemon was “outraged” by the suspensions but was relieved when he found he could still access his account. “I just don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t get back on Twitter,” he sighed. “Honestly, I feel like my life would fall apart more than it already has.”
Nevertheless, Musk is not backing down on the new policy.
“If they wanna keep f*cking around, they can keep finding out,” Musk told The Smattering.
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