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Israel Issues New PRIDE Military Uniforms to Get Progressives to Support War Against Hamas
Perhaps Israel can get progressives on their side after all.
Jerusalem, Israel — As the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) deepen their incursion into the Gaza Strip amid the escalating war against Hamas, a sudden strategy to change public opinion on the conflict has emerged. In a shocking, yet incredibly fashionable move, Israel has unveiled a new rainbow-colored uniform for its soldiers.
The strategy, called the “Israeli PRIDE Offensive,” is intended to curry favor with American progressives, who have been fiercely critical of the Jewish state.
It's a kaleidoscope of combat couture, designed with one purpose: to dazzle progressives into supporting the war.
"We wish to show the world that even while defending our nation, we can still promote LGBTQ acceptance and look absolutely fabulous while doing it," announced Israeli General Yosef Mizrachi. "With these new uniforms, we’re not just fighting a war against Hamas; we’re walking the runway into the hearts of those who would typically call us vicious oppressors.”
As soldiers stormed the Gaza Strip, their uniforms shimmered with the colors of the LGBTQ flag, creating formidable, yet inclusive battlefield imagery.
“Who could possibly condemn soldiers adorned in the international symbol of love and acceptance?” mused Defense Minister Yoav Gallant. “Every stitch, every hue, is a step towards promoting equity for all, and of course, impeccable style.”
However, critics argue that this new fashion-forward approach is just a colorful distraction from the horrors of war. Over 2,000 people have died during the fighting. Still, there is something almost hypnotically compelling about an IDF soldier, tank and all, illuminated in the soft glow of the rainbow.
Iran and Hezbollah have yet to comment on this new technicolor military display. Experts speculate they are potentially consulting with their own fashion advisors to counteract this latest move.
“Maybe we should reconsider this whole throwing the gays off the roof thing,” said Hamas leader Ismail Haniyeh during a conversation with reporters. “Maybe if we embrace the rainbow instead of purposely getting Palestinian civilians killed, it might help our image on the world stage.”
But the Israeli strategy doesn’t stop at colorful new uniforms. The IDF will also incorporate diversity, equity, and inclusion principles into its war effort.
“We have decided that we will not kill any Hamas operative who identifies a member of the LGBTQ community,” said Yael Katz, a high-ranking member of the IDF. “Especially if they are trans.”
Moshe Weiss, an Israeli soldier, supports the policy. “Some say it might be dangerous to allow terrorists to live just because they identify as trans, or whatever, but I think it’s a marvelous way to promote inclusivity even during wartime,” he explained.
It seems the strategy might already be bearing fruit as prominent progressive activists have warmed up to the idea.
“I’m not saying I support the war,” admitted Brooklyn-based activist, Davy Jernigan. “But I’m not NOT saying that either. At least, not until I see how those rainbow uniforms glisten under the Gaza sun.”
Mason Yancy, a pro-Palestine activist based in Los Angeles, told The Smattering, “I used to despise those Jews — I mean the Israeli occupiers. But I think it’s a great idea. If Israel can mix missiles, bullets, and rainbows, then why shouldn’t we support them?”
He added: “I think this is a beauitful way to make LGBTQ people feel welcome while Israel slaughters terrorists in Gaza.”
River Streamsong, founder of "Love and Light Brigade" also chimed in, explaining her change of heart:
"War is an absolute tragedy. But, think about it: If it’s fought by Israeli soldiers dressed like they're heading to Pride Parade, well, that’s a tragedy I can Instagram.”
“I mean, I was a supporter of Hamas until I saw these new uniforms,” said Hannah Gore, communications director for “Pride Paratroopers” an advocacy group for LGBTQ service members. “I mean, when was the last time you heard of Hamas expressing their support for the LGBTQ community and inclusivity?”
She added: “Maybe they do all deserve to get blowed up.”
Milo Rainbow, a leftist podcaster, loved the idea.
“War is a monstrosity, but honey, if you’re going to fight, do it with flair! The IDF’s new PRIDE uniforms? I never imagined I’d see the day when tanks and rainbows could coexist. It's like a unicorn in a minefield - confusing, but utterly fabulous.”
Israel has already rolled out the new uniforms, but there are indications that the IDF might take it step further. “There is talk of holding drag shows in the Gaza Strip to celebrate after we finally wipe out Hamas. It'll show our continuing support for the LGBTQ community.”
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