Republicans to Have House Speaker Candidates Fight to the Death in Political 'Hunger Games'
It's time to settle this once and for all.
Washington, D.C. — House Republicans have given up on using traditional means to decide who will become the next Speaker of the House and are looking at a more effective, if deadlier, method. Instead of holding numerous votes in which holdouts prevent Rep. Kevin McCarthy (R-CA) from taking up the gavel, they will select 24 Republican candidates who will engage in a battle to the death similar to the popular young adult fiction series “The Hunger Games.”
The last one still alive will become the next Speaker of the House.
After it became apparent that McCarthy was no longer a shoo-in for the Speaker position, Republican leadership frantically held vote after vote after vote to determine who would be the victor. After eight rounds, they threw in the proverbial towel.
“I mean, at this point, it’s just easier to throw them into a field and let them fight to the death to figure out who is going to lead us in Congress,” said a GOP staffer. “This whole voting system takes too long, and it’s getting boring.”
The identities of the contestants have not yet been released, but a few of the names have been leaked to The Smattering. Not surprisingly, McCarthy is first on the list.
“McCarthy was the first one to volunteer. Right now, he is in the process of choosing whether he wants to choose a sword, pitchfork, or slingshot, but he can’t stop flip-flopping on his choice of weapons,” according to an aide speaking on condition of anonymity.
“I think the choice is obvious — he should use the dagger he’s been stabbing voters in the back with over the past few years,” he added.
Rep. Byron Donalds (R-FL) is also rumored to be a contestant, having been the first black man nominated for Speaker by Republicans in history.
“As he said before, he’s 6’2, 275 lbs, and he’s ready for anyone who wants to rumble,” said a Washington insider, noting that the congressman is “very much looking forward to brutally bludgeoning some of his colleagues to death.”
“They want to call him a ‘prop?’ He’s gonna ‘prop’ their severed heads on a spike,” the individual told The Smattering.
One surprising development is that Representative-elect George Santos (R-NY) will join the fray. If he were to become Speaker, it would be the first time an individual assumed this role right after taking office.
Some believe he was forced into the games due to the scandal over his many, many lies about his past. Nevertheless, he seems ready to spill gallons of blood to regain what little honor he has left.
“I think he will be fine,” said a member of his campaign team. “He told me he holds black belts in Karate, Hapkido, and Ninjutsu. I doubt any of these old farts will be a match for him.”
“Besides, he was a member of the NAVY Seals, the Green Berets, Top Gun, and Cobra Kai,” he added. “The man is an unstoppable force of nature.”
It is also rumored that Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) will be the only female competing in the games. But according to another source in the GOP, it would not be wise to count her out.
“I don’t know what she’s been doing at all hours of the night, but I think she has finally lost her mind,” the source said. “She’s been pacing wild-eyed in her office, ranting about how she is going to ‘vaporize those bastards’ with the Hebrew lasers or something.”
“I’m so scared for her,” he added.
Not everyone is excited about this political version of The Hunger Games. President Joe Biden told reporters on Thursday that he doesn’t see why this is necessary. “Hunger Games? C’mon, man! Sounds like a waste of time. If they want food, we have an excellent cafeteria on the Hill,” he said.
We don’t know how this is going to turn out or how Republicans plan to replace the lawmakers who will lose their lives, but The Smattering would still like to say to each contestant: Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor.
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