Ukraine Agrees to Annex Hawaii So That Biden Administration Will Finally Do Something About the Fire Damage

Is Hawaii finally about to get paid?

Photo by Neora Aylon on Unsplash

Lahaina, Hawaii — In a shocking turn of events, Ukraine has announced its decision to annex Hawaii, hoping that this audacious move will finally catch the attention of the Biden administration and force them to take the Aloha State's concerns seriously. The Ukrainian government, known for its flair for unconventional diplomacy, believes that by adding a tropical paradise to its territory, it can exert pressure on President Biden to prioritize the needs of Hawaii.

"It's simple, really," stated Ukraine's Minister of Unconventional Foreign Relations, Ivanna Believeitova. “Hawaii’s government sees that the big guy gives us money whenever we ask, so it asked us to take over.”

She added: “We've already got the Crimean Peninsula, and now we'll have the Hawaiian Peninsula too!"

This development comes after the region has been ravaged by wildfires. The Biden administration has been pilloried by residents for failing to offer meaningful support in the wake of the disaster.

Experts are divided on the feasibility of this endeavor, with some hailing it as a brilliant political maneuver and others calling it a ploy that's too "out there" even in this crazy political environment. Meanwhile, Hawaiians are reportedly befuddled, wondering how they'll fit into Ukraine's geopolitical ambitions.

“At first, I wasn’t so sure about the idea,” said Lenny Makana, a local businessman. “But when I realized we could basically get a blank check from Joe Biden without having to worry about fighting Russia, I figured it’s a good deal.”

Hawaii seems to be following the lead of Tariq Nasheed, who gathered a group of African Americans to travel to Ukraine to seek Ukrainian citizenship in order to get reparations from the federal government. “Wait, you mean all we had to do was go to Hawaii and wait for Ukraine to take this sh*t over? This some old bullsh*t. We’re moving back. It’s so cold here!” Nasheed said.

Other Hawaii residents were also optimistic. Leila Kekoa, a homemaker, told The Smattering that if Ukraine “could handle Chernobyl, they can definitely get things back on track here.”

Dmytro Petrenko, a high-ranking official in the Ukrainian government, also expressed optimism. “We have a lot in common, actually,” he said. "Hawaii's all about those ocean vibes, and Ukraine's got the Black Sea what could be better?”

He added: “If this goes well, Ukraine will start collecting tropical islands like Pokémon cards!”

A senior advisor for President Joe Biden did not indicate whether this move would prompt the White House to finally care about Hawaii, but he did tell The Smattering: “Well, you know what they say, the more the merrier, right?”

The president has not committed to increasing aid to Hawaii after it becomes part of Ukraine. But when asked about it by reporters, he said: “You know, some of the best borscht I ever had was when I visited Hawaii. I remember thinking: ‘If we just added some pineapple and salt, this would hit the spot nicely.’”