BREAKING: Lawmakers Reach Bipartisan Deal Offering Reparations to Black People In Exchange for Giving ‘N-Word Pass’ to White America

Washington, D.C. – At long last, Republican and Democratic lawmakers have finally reached a bipartisan agreement on issuing reparations to black Americans for slavery and Jim Crow. After more than a year of behind-the-scenes negotiations, the two parties have hammered out a deal that would not only make amends for the evils inflicted on African Americans but also sweeten the pot for whites as well.

The legislative proposal, if passed, would grant a blanket “N-word pass” for every non-black American in the nation. This means they can feel free to use the slur to their heart’s content “without fear of getting the taste slapped out of their mouths,” according to a joint statement released by lawmakers.

“It seems fitting. After all, if we’re going to give them reparations, shouldn’t we get a little something in return?” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL).

The legislation, if passed, would prohibit any discriminatory behavior against whites who use the n-word, including social ostracization, losing employment, or being called racist.

The Congressional Black Caucus released a statement lauding the proposal. “White folks already use the word when singing along to their favorite hip-hop songs in private,” it said. “If we’re gonna get paid, this is an acceptable tradeoff.”

There is a caveat: Whites will only be able to use the term with the “a” at the end. The hard “r” is still considered unacceptable. “The text of the proposal says the government cannot guarantee that one will avoid being ‘tuned up’ if they use the hard ‘r,” said a Democratic staffer familiar with the matter.

This news disappointed white nationalist Richard Spencer, who explained how many whites have wanted to use the hard “r” for decades without fear of reprisal. “This is a positive step in the right direction, but we are hoping to have our right to say the whole word completely restored in the near future.”

President Joe Biden signaled that he would have no problem signing the bill when it gets to his desk. “I mean, I’ve already been using the word since I was singlehandedly fighting gang members growing up in the south side of Chicago,” he told reporters. “Might as well make it official.”