BREAKING: Gov. Ron DeSantis Mandates That Slavery Be Taught as 'Historical Negro Job Skills Training Program' In Florida Schools

Florida Republicans say they want students to get a more 'comprehensive' view of the peculiar institution.

Photo by British Library on Unsplash

Orlando, Florida — In another groundbreaking move Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has signed a bill mandating a controversial overhaul of the state's education system. From now on, the institution of American slavery will be referred to as the "Historical Negro Job Skills Training Program." The move is intended to highlight its myriad of benefits slavery brought to African slaves.

Under the new guidelines, slave masters will be euphemistically referred to as "Negro Job Trainers," emphasizing their role in imparting "valuable skills" to their "indentured interns." And in a stroke of genius, slave plantations will be rebranded as "Opportunity Orchards," presenting them as bastions in which Africans could grow and thrive.

Meanwhile, the governor's supporters maintain that the new curriculum will bring about unity and harmony. "Why focus on the negative aspects of history when we can paint a brighter picture of the past?" a spokesperson for DeSantis declared. "After all, the 'Negro Job Skills Training Program' was essentially an early form of job training, right?"

Teachers will be tasked with teaching pupils that slaves fleeing from their Job Trainers were simply engaged in "illegal truancies," much like skipping school to grab an ice cream cone.

“We just want our young ones to have a more comprehensive view of the job skills training program many African Americans went through for hundreds of years,” said a State Republican lawmaker. “I mean, it wasn’t THAT bad, was it?”

History books are expected to undergo extensive makeovers. Students will be fed a steady diet of anecdotes about how the "Negro Job Skills Training Program" fostered the development of esteemed African American blacksmiths, shoemakers, fishermen, tailors, and teachers.

"Can you imagine how amazing it was for these indentured interns to receive specialized training from their trainers?" said a spokesperson for the Florida Republican Party. "“These people learned how to cook, clean, farm, and care for children. Why shouldn’t we celebrate this?”

Gov. DeSantis has faced intense criticism for his alleged effort rewrite the narrative of slavery. Still, proponents of the bill argue that it's high time we highlight the positive aspects of the past.

The governor also told reporters that the state would create “Plantation Adventure Camps” so that kids can go away from the summer and experience the the life of an African indentured intern. “They will learn how to pick cotton, set the table, build fences, and experience the great outdoors while picking cotton,” said a spokesperson with the governor’s office. “The governor thinks there is no better way battle wokeness then to teach an alternative view of slave — I mean, American’s Historical Job Skills Training Program.”

While Republicans have praised the effort, some have expressed discomfort with the fact that white kids will be expected to wear blackface the whole time they are staying at the camp.

As we navigate this perplexing alternate reality, one thing remains clear: the debate over rewriting history will continue to rage on.