BREAKING: CNN Condemns Donald Trump for Inciting Violence Against Himself

Butler, PA - Within an hour of the shooting at a campaign rally in western Pennsylvania on Saturday, cable news had identified the person responsible for the violence. It was the person who got shot.

Former President Donald Trump was rushed from the stage by Secret Service agents with an injury to his ear. By the time the first replays aired, a six-person panel was already in place, lit warmly and ready to ask the hard questions about why he had done this to himself.

Expert analysis

“Let's be honest about what we saw,” said one veteran anchor, who asked The Smattering not to use his name because “my agent reads this.” “He stood on a raised stage. He used a microphone. He spoke in a tone of voice. At some point, choices have consequences.”

A senior political analyst agreed. “This is the climate he created. And now, sadly, the climate has created him a bandage.”

“If he did not want to be a target, he could have held the rally in a smaller font.”

The tone question

Several commentators focused on volume. A media critic suggested that future campaign events should be conducted entirely in whispers or, if possible, by email. Another proposed that candidates address crowds from behind “a respectful, nonpartisan wall.”

The Secret Service confirmed that the shooter had targeted the former president and was killed at the scene. Officials declined to speculate about motive, which several cable panels said was “very irresponsible of them, since we already have.”

Accountability

The network announced on Sunday that it would launch a six-part investigation into the role Trump played in his own attempted assassination. The series will be titled “Self Inflicted” and is expected to win at least one award from itself.

At press time, the chyron had been updated to read: “TRUMP SURVIVES SHOOTING; QUESTIONS REMAIN ABOUT WHETHER HE SHOULD HAVE.”