Progressive Influencers Issue Apologies for Jumping to Conclusions, Promise to Jump to Different Conclusions Next Time

Accountability means apologizing quickly so you can be wrong again by dinner.

Illustration for: Progressive Influencers Issue Apologies for Jumping to Conclusions, Promise to Jump to Different Conclusions Next Time

Denver, CO - A group of online commentators who confidently explained the motives of a breaking news event before any facts were available issued a joint apology on Wednesday, after the facts became available and turned out to be different.

“I want to take a moment to own this,” wrote a verified influencer with 1.2 million followers in a statement shaped like a screenshot of a Notes app. “I said the cause was obvious. It was not obvious. I am deeply sorry for any harm caused by being first.”

The cycle

Media researchers have long described the pattern. Something happens. Within minutes, people who were not there and do not know anyone who was there begin explaining it. Within hours, actual reporting arrives. Within a day, the explanation is quietly deleted and replaced with a thread about “sitting with uncertainty.”

“The most important thing is that I was the first to have a feeling about it.”

A cable analyst who had blamed three separate television hosts for the event in a single segment said he was also sorry, “specifically for not blaming a fourth one, in fairness.”

Lessons learned

Several of the apologizers promised to wait for facts next time. Asked how long they planned to wait, most said “at least a few minutes,” and one said he would “try to stay off the app until the second press conference, or the first one.”

A media-literacy group praised the apologies but noted that none of them had yet been read by as many people as the original posts.

At press time, a new story was breaking, and the same influencers had already explained it.

This is satire. The Smattering publishes political satire. Quotes from aides, spokespeople and officials in this story are invented, and events past the real news hook did not happen. See what really happened.

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